The Beers Are Always Empty

"drinking by myself while everybody else

is passed out in the park

or going home in police cars..."

Last night I got a very strange urge to go back and re-read my journal entries. I didn't go back too far, I went back to last November and read up until August of 2009. It was kinda weird. I found the journal entry where I discovered Twilight... When I first blogged about Jackson, a whole bunch of Heathisms, when Matilda died, when I dyed my hair pink... and black... and cut it short... was kinda nice to go back and see things. Of course, there was also a lot that I had forgotten about and blocked out of my mind... like New Years Eve last year.

Swiftly moving on from Memory Lane... I guess we could rock down to Electric Avenue.

Two days ago Jennifer comes to me and says that she 'might have a place for us to live'. I said, "I'm not moving in with anyone else." (Just clearing that out before she gets any more "ideas".) She said, "no, no... it's an apartment." I asked where. She said 29th and Metropolitan. I told her that I was unfamiliar with KCK. (I know KCMO and the cities North of the river just fine, but I'm sooo new when it comes to KCK.) She tried to explain to me where it was... I can't remember if I was listening or not.

So then last night she comes home and says that we're going to look at this place.

She heard of it from one of her co-workers who had just moved in there... the co-workers cousin owns the building.

So we go look at this place and well... first impressions and all... eh. The lease for where we're living now is up in February so while I didn't express this to anyone but myself, I was really worried that we weren't going to have a place to live when it was up... I was scared we were going to have to move back into a hotel.

I was never fond of the hotel idea.

I never wanted to move into a place with anyone else either... just having a "room". Even while the common areas are just that... I, quite frankly, enjoy walking around the house in less than appropriate attire. I don't want to have to get dressed if I'm in the bathroom getting ready to take a bath and I forget something in my bedroom -- I would like to just walk down the hall naked and fetch whatever it is that I needed. I mean, I guess that I *could* do that here, but I just don't want to scare these poor people. ;)

So living with Laura and [sometimes] Mack was never in my grand plan. It's what was available to us at the time. It was the only opportunity that we had, so we had to take it. That's understandable. Things could have been a lot worse for us.

We've lived with Laura and [sometimes] Mack for 7 months... that's actually quite a long time for us considering our past moving history. We moved three times in 2009. Not something I'm proud of. This will make for move number 4.

The pros about this place is that there's only 4 people that live in the building... all female. (One has a boyfriend, I think... but whatevs.) It's right across the street from a school and a park, so it's a good neighborhood -- though I'm still lost on where it ACTUALLY is. We'll finally be living in our own place again.

When we moved out of the place we lived in at the beginning of the year (before we moved into the hotel) -- Jennifer forced me to throw away hella of our things. All my wine/drinking glasses, all my dishes, pots, pans, silverware, furniture, drapes, rugs, etc... so it'll be nice to start building that stuff up again.

I already have a vision for how I want the place to look... however... I'm having a hard time finding bean bag chairs...

The cons of this place... well, it's old. Very old. The carpet is stained... but, it's just carpet and I plan on getting some area rugs. Hopefully some very loud and colorful, tacky area rugs. :) It doesn't have a bathtub. :( That's a major bust for me. I love baths. The bathroom is insanely tiny and the mirror is a little bigger than 8x10. (That's fine, it can be worked around... I'll go buy more mirrors.) The closet space is... well... the mirror and the closet are about the same size. LOL I prefer the living room to the actual bedroom, so I think we're going to make the bedroom kinda the music/dressing room and make the living room where we actually sleep.

(I don't need an actual living room because I don't have friends and I don't ever have company come over...)

The front room, as we're now going to call it, is going to be badass when I get done with it. It's got really high ceilings and a fan in there... although, the string on the fan is so long I keep hitting my head on it. Heh.

I will post pictures, but it'll be once I'm done making it fabulous.

Everyone keeps asking me why I'm moving again... well, don't hold onto hope that I'm staying too long at this next place either. Nothing feels like home to me.

xoxox

Breathe, Keep Breathing

"Let you choke... let you choke..."

So I asked people on Twitter and Facebook what I should make a film about and I got one response... Megan said I should make a film about a day in the life of Bella. (My dog.) So basically that would be 9 minutes of sleeping, 30 seconds of eating, 20 seconds of playing and 10 seconds of pooping. Not something anyone would want to see...

I text Jennifer today and MADE her give me a suggestion. She said obsessions/addictions (because, you know... that's what comes to her mind when she thinks of me.) And so I've started my film... not exactly on that topic, but almost close.

I'll let you know when I've got it finished.

Loving the HD video setting on my new camera. *BLISS*

Drank last night... that was... almost fun.

Was supposed to be for my the tail end of my birthday, but it kinda blew. I just sat there refreshing Twitter while Jennifer was texting. Ultimate fail. We ended up watching Push and I passed out... I did make good drinks, however. So that's a plus.

I have not been feeling myself lately, I guess. It's been coming through in photographs as well. As a photographer you evaluate every picture that you see, well, I already do that when I see a photo of myself -- I judge it very harshly -- but it had been a minute since I had taken photos of myself, so I tried to do that today and 98% of them came out craptastic. The look on my face just... just wasn't "Jodie".

I guess I'll wait a few days and try again. Don't think there's anything wrong, per se... just apparently my face isn't cooperating with my camera.

Tonight I'm supposed to chat chat chat with Jessie and Willow. :) Looking forward to that. Also tonight I'm apparently supposed to go look at this thingymajigger with Jennifer... should be fun to be 2 places at the same time. (They just slightly overlap each other.)

One of my favorite photos I took today...

Yep, those are my legs.

Turning 25.

"well it's the reaper inside of me,

writhing absentmindedly,

masochistic fashion suits me nicely,

oozing out days and nightly

some sad to see this side of me,

but now it's binding,

I've been losing my teeth in all my dreams,

I just need sweet release..."

Today, I am 25.

I am a quarter. I’m a fourth.

I have accomplished hardly anything I had planned to do before reaching this milestone. On paper, I am not much. On paper, I dropped out of school, I’ve been arrested and I have hardly ever kept a job. I have not been married, I have no children and I don’t even have a bank account or a cell phone in my name.

On paper I am worthless by society’s standards.

I would hope that whoever is reading this knows that there’s more to a person than what is on paper.

I believe that I have done quite a lot with my life and just in the past ten years, actually.

-I managed to have front row for Justin’s concert 6 times in 2007. (One of those times landed me on this HBO special/DVD that was seen around the world and I consider the defining moment of my concert career.)

-I helped out with a children’s charity for a weeklong event in 2008 and 2009. (And will continue to do so until at least 2012.)

-I learned how to produce my own music. I didn’t let people take advantage of me in the music business (no matter how green and eager I was).

-I have traveled more than anyone else in my immediate family has.

-I have met incredible people (celebrity or not).

-I actually read a book (or four – Twilight Saga) and found something other than Justin Timberlake that caught my interest.

-I have not had my heart broken.

-I don’t have a drug addiction.

-I didn’t end up pregnant by some random dude.

-I don’t have a STD.

This list could go on and on. All of these things I believe are accomplishments. Though they don’t seem as great on paper as the words “University”, “$40,000 a year”, “Mrs.”, “mother of two”… I still think that they are things to be proud of.

Life cannot be summed up in your job title. Life cannot be summed up by where you went to college and whom you married. Life isn’t about love; life isn’t about your job, your Twitter, your two kids and which side of the county line your house is on. So many people wrap themselves up in the façade – trying to create a perfect imagery for the outside viewer to gaze upon. So many people want to be the greener side of the grass that their entire lives revolve around this lie.

Their lives are lies.

I refuse to lie anymore. I refuse to pretend like I’m gonna do something that I’m not. Life is about happiness and adventure – or at least, that’s what my life is about. I can’t tell you how to live yours or what to live for. I once thought that I wanted the picket fences, the husband who had the .com, the 3.2 kids, dinner on the table for him when he got home… I once thought that I wanted that kind of life, but I would be living a lie. This is the only chance I get at life and I need to make each day count.

Twenty-five years has passed me so quickly it’s all a blur. I don’t want the next twenty-five to go by in a flash.

face à moi si je vois que vous respirez

"La jeune fille à un oiseau, elle trouve dans la neige

qui a volé sa robe, et c'est comme ça elle sait
que Dieu a fait les yeux pour pleurer à la naissance
puis à gauche le terrain pour faire le tour de la terre..."

It's been a few days since I managed to get my ass to a blog... don't mind me, I have no sense of time...

Speaking of this - It's 3 days until my 25th birthday... Wow.

I got my first birthday present of the year today... :) It was a combo of a thank you gift and birthday present from my Mama.

She was going to get me a Louis Vuitton in Puerto Rico, but then apparently got lost...? She asked me what else I would have liked... I said... "Guitar...?" She goes "uh..." I said, "Camera?" She said, "isn't the camera that you want $400?" (Technically that's the sale price...) I said "That's the Nikon one I want. The Canon I want is $199."

So off we went looking for my camera. She was very against going to Best Buy at first but I told her that's where I had seen it be the cheapest. Blah, blah, blah... we went to Best Buy, found the camera that I wanted and it was uber on sale!

Since it was uber on sale she got me 2 [awesome] memory cards, an extra battery and a case. :)

We went home and played with the camera and HOHMYGAWD. Twas amazing. The camera is awesome. My mama says that she's jealous of my camera. I now officially have more megapixels than her! And it records HD video! :D YAAY YAAAY YAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Canon Powershot SD780is -- 12.1 megapixel, HD video... *mouth watering*)

So Thanksgiving... it was... decent. Wednesday night my Mama and Pam got back from their trip and I made Thanksgiving dinner here. Made it all by myself... cooked the turkey... (with ample help from Willow...) My Mama and Pam both said they loved the dinner.

Thursday we went over to Jane's house for Thanksgiving dinner. It was deelish. :) I loved it. We had so much fun there too... we had a jam session after dinner. We sang John Denver, Indigo Girls and James Taylor. Some very talented musicians in that house.

I tried to get them to do a rendition of 100 Monkeys "Keep Awake" but we didn't get very far. I was the only one who could keep a straight face.

Hope you all had a good holiday and got some kick ass stuff on Black Friday!

xoxox

Hog Log Thy Lilly

Le mie ferite del cuore. Il dolore è tutto che sembri sapere. Siete il mio salvatore, voi siete tutto che conosca. Siete l'unica cosa che può aiutarmelo, prego.

Ogni mattina osservo al mio lato e trovo che you' re non là. Ogni sera grido quando vado a letto e you' re non là.

L'un giorno so che you' il ll è ancora sul mio lato.

Il Forever sta andando rapidamente e devo avere le mie pretese. Lascilo prego sentire ancora la musica della vostra anima.

Faccio voto in fare il mio meglio a amarlo.

Tyler Shields

Random thought after checking out www.tylershields.com and seeing the New Moon post that he did - I think that Tyler should photograph Jackson Rathbone. (or 100 Monkeys as a whole.)

Amazing.

Also, to add to that... I would love to one day be photographed by Tyler... but seeing as how that's NEVER going to happen, I sooo want to own one of his pieces, I just can't decide which one.

He's my favorite photographer. Or, I guess I should say my 2nd favorite photographer... after my mother, of course. ;)

New Moon

"and good luck with shootin' the moon..."

What an AMAZING Twilight/New Moon day I had yesterday.

First of all Jennifer and I went to Target where I got the cutest new boots and I got some jammies for my Bella... they're adorable and they have feets!! :)

Then we went to Hot Topic to see some of thew NM stuff and see if there was anything that I couldn't live without... the employees brought out some of the Twilight merchandise they had stuffed in the back that was now on clearance so we got some trading cards, a pillow case for $3 and I bought the Twilight lunchbox. XD Yep.

The movie theater experience was incredible. We went to the Mainstreet 6 AMC downtown in the Power and Light District. It's fairly new, hasn't been up a year yet and it was our first time there. That alone was mindblowing! I'm so, so glad that we chose to go to that theater. It was super fancy, if I do say so...

The staff was very helpful and uber professional. They sold merch there, which was kinda strange... t-shirts, posters, bags... They had a collectors cup if you bought the large drink so we both did that. Bad idea. I peed twice before the movie started and then 10 minutes into the film I had to go again (now, you know I didn't leave my seat, though! I would have just peed myself first before missing any of that film!)

Speaking of pee, (there's a sentence I never thought I'd say...) the bathrooms were exquisite! Each stall featured an Academy Award winning actress. (I got Lauren Bacall both times I went pee... Jenn got Reese Witherspoon both times.) In each stall they had their own private sinks and hand dryers, astonishing!

This theater had assigned seats, which I adore. I think every theater should have assigned seats! We were right in the middle of the rows, pretty much dead center.

Now.

Onto the film.

**SPOILERS**

**SPOILERS**

**SPOILERS**

**SPOILERS**

**SPOILERS**

**SPOILERS**

**SPOILERS**

The opening title sequence FLOORED me. I do believe I literally held my breath. Wow. The dream sequence in the beginning was just as I had imagined it to be and this is where we first get to see Edward's new sparkle.

Wow.

I could write an entire paragraph on the sparkleage that is Edward Cullen. THAT is how a vampire is supposed to sparkle.

Now, sorry Catherine... you know I love you, I know that you didn't have basically an open budget in order to make Twilight, so I will cut you some slack, but goddamn. Chris Weitz NAILED it.

Also, I am uber impressed with the new way the vampires run. I know that's something very simple, but it was definitely something that needed to be fixed from Twilight.

Edward and Bella talking in class about Romeo and Juliet and about suicide was great. It was heavy enough, not dulled down for the audience, I really appreciated that.... that honesty with such a mature subject.

Bella/Kristen Stewart looks sooo much more beautiful in this film than she did in Twilight and I'm happy to see she didn't try and chew her face off the entire film. (The lip biting was a tad too much in the first film.)

Edward/Robert Pattinson looks dashing and handsome. I'm glad that they didn't wax his eyebrows like a girls this time around... however the airbrushing on his stomach in the Volterra scene was a tad overboard. (No one believes that that's his real stomach.)

Jacob/Taylor Lautner for some reason annoyed me a bit. Mostly I think it was the god awful wig, perhaps I was distracted by that... I did notice the girls shrieked when he took off his shirt after her motorcycle crash.

The Wolf Pack could use a step up on their acting skills... I'm not familiar with all of their names, I do know that I love Alex Meraz. He's a great actor, but mumbled his line just before he phased. The guy who plays Sam Uley was good too... I liked Emily, she was great and I loved her scar... Hopefully I like the wolves better in the next movie.

Speaking of wolves... I know in the book they say these wolves are like, fucking huge, but my god... did they have to look like big foot?! I think they maybe were a tad TOO large... How is Jake supposed to nudge Bella's hand in Breaking Dawn if they stand 10ft tall?

When did Angela Weber get hot?

Now... onto the good parts!!

Jasper. Jasper apparently has a sense of humor in New Moon, which is strange since he's usually... um... not funny? But it works! I love that Jasper is now the comedic relief! He was so high-larious in the first scene he's in... the school scene... "Happy... uh... nevermind."

I was freaking BEAMING with happiness that we finally addressed Jasper's powers! When Edward is talking about the families talents in Twilight he explains that he can read minds, that Alice can see the future and that... oh no wait, let's just forget about Jasper's awesome ability to taste/alter emotions! *spits*

The stranger chick next to me kept looking at me every time Jasper/Jackson was on the screen because I would cover my mouth. Hahah!

The birthday scene: There were 3 scenes that Chris Weitz had to get right in order to win my love and devotion. The birthday scene, the months and when Bella saves Edward. Well, two out of three ain't bad... I was not as amazed and blown away by the birthday scene as I had hoped to be. *insert mayjah sad face here* Jackson was incredible, it was nothing wrong on his part... his growl? Wow... His eyes, his stance, his snapping of the teeth, the look of remorse/fear/shame at the end? Perfection...

The scene was not intense enough for me... it's THE moment in New Moon. It's the entire reason for the book and it's supposed to capture just how hard this is for not only Jasper and Edward, but the entire family. Jasper didn't come CLOSE to Bella... that was the biggest let down and then he stood there while she was sitting on the ground covered in blood... meanwhile in the book they literally have to DRAG him away.

I loved how it started, I love how Jasper ducked Carlisle and the blur of him as he ran towards Bella, I love the crashing of the piano, I just really wish I would have seen more struggle...

I guess this is the part where things can never live up to how you imagine them in your mind when you're reading.

See, I saw Twilight before I read any of the books, so then when reading the book, I pictured some parts of the movie and I was fortunate enough to picture the cast while reading - but now it's a lot of pressure for these directors to live up to the expectations of the fanbase and I can finally understand why so many Twilight fans were let down after the first film -- it's not their fault, the actors fault, the directors fault -- everyone has their own imagination and that will always be more vivid than anything they can depict on screen.

Moving on... I loved the talk with Carlisle and Bella, that was very well executed and I really loved when he placed his finger under her chin for a split second. That was adorable.

Bella's scar? Badass. Perfect.

The breakup scene was moving and definitely well done... and then as I said he had to get it right... the months.

I had really hoped that he would leave just a blank screen, a black or white screen with simple writing, "October", "November", "December"... however, I LOVED it. That's one of my favorite parts in the book and I can't get through it without putting my bookmark in, setting the book down and putting my head in my hands and bawling. That part just is so overly emotional for me.

Bella writing/talking to Alice while she's away? I loved that addition... That worked well into the film.

Daddy mustache was funny in this one. :) Made me giggle...

Let's see, the hallucinations of Edward... well, it was never addressed that he never actually came to visit her in some form, that she was just imagining him and going crazy... so those who haven't read the book aren't going to understand that.

The cliff diving was great and Victoria was badass... that color red for her hair was WOW.

The scene where Jacob is driving Bella home and Carlisle's car is parked out front? From that moment until Alice and Bella are on the plane --- that was executed EXACTLY how I pictured it in my mind... The phone call made my heart ache. I hate that part in the book... I mean, I hate it with good reason, because it's wrenching... I love it and hate it, if that makes sense...

I was sad that we didn't see Alice and Bella or Bella and Edward talk on the plane... so we miss Alice talking about Jasper and we miss Bella and Edward talking about souls/death/heaven.

When Bella saves Edward? I almost wish that it were dragged out just a liiiittle bit more, just so that it left you more on the edge of your seat like, "dammit Bella, RUN FASTER!!!" You know? But the sparkle, the stepping out into the sun and when she SLAMS into him? Amazing...

"Heaven," he utters... don't think I missed that. *beaming*

I loved the little moment that they had together and their kiss... that kiss was my favorite of the film. His pain was back. It was somehow pain and relief... hurting either way. Hurting to be closer to her, hurting because he knew the Volturi would do something, hurting because he knew that hurting her would never be over... still unable to walk away. Amazing.

Onto the Volturi!

Jane? Wow. Dakota did fantastic. Her acting is so subtle. She's stellar, a real pro. After she realizing she has no effect on Bella her face changes just ever so slightly to reveal her disappointment.

Aro. Aro is my favorite... Aro is in the top 5 of my favorite characters from the Saga. When I heard that Michael Sheen would be playing Aro I knew that everything would be okay, but still, you picture someone a certain way and so you expect that.

Michael said that his daughter was disappointed that he had black hair when she pictured him bald... truth be told, I always pictured Aro with white hair... I'm not afraid of Aro, I don't hate the Volturi. I know they are not bad. They are just old, set in their ways and they make the rules... I get that... and I love Aro's laughter, his buoyancy. Aro/Michael Sheen BLEW me away! Fucktastic.

The fighting scene with the Volturi was sort of freaking incredible. I can't wait to see that again. Wow. Bella's reaction to Edward/the fight was great. Kristen did great in that scene.

The vote...

*sigh* I loved that Bella told Edward to shut up... however, I'll be honest to say I missed half of this scene from the mere shock that Jasper said "yes". I haven't read the book in a while, but I was pretty sure he said no? I thought that two of them said no... I thought it was Jasper and Rosalie...? Course, I could be wrong and I don't have my book with me... anyone wanna open theirs up to Chapter 24 and tell me verbatim what Jasper says in the vote scene?

And then the end... the ending couldn't have been more perfect. Freaking amazeballs. Edward's hella long pause before he utters the words, "marry me, Bella," and the sound of Bella catching her breath.

Freaking incredible. Wow. I was like, so uber impressed with that.

Overall?

I give it 4/4 stars and say that it was 100% improvement from Twilight. I can't wait to see it again!

YAY WOO!

What did you think? What were your favorite parts? Least favorite parts? Etc? Think Chris Weitz should direct Breaking Dawn?